Who The Hell Am I Anyway?

As I sit here drinking my morning tea, I realize that yet again I am morphing. Changing. Learning. Growing. Moving. Understanding. Letting go. Fighting. And of whole other slew of things I am feeling, or going through.

But the question keeps coming back to me as to who the hell is Elizabeth Paine? I get so upset at myself thinking that by now, at my age, I should have it all together this thing called life and here I sit thinking I simply don't. But isn't that what it's all about? I mean let's just be real here. If I had it all together there wouldn't be struggles, which in turn would be I wouldn't be seeking, which in turn means I wouldn't be trying so hard to rely on Him. Ya, Him as in Jesus.

I must admit, I've been one of those that when life is grand my prayers are few, my thoughts about Him are less. Yet in the turmoil I've caused and gotten myself in too I cry out to him. I feel guilty even doing so because now, oh the now, I am struggling and at my lowest point. I get disgusted with myself in it yet it is a constant battle I believe for myself and many of us.

You can tell or call me a child of God, but I am struggling. I still have this nagging feeling I am not getting it. I am missing what he's trying to show me and it's taking a toll on me. I am my worst critic, and so hard on myself. Who says really that at my age I have to have it all together? I do. And that's where I need to change my line of thinking.  Be more God focused instead of Elizabeth focused. Yet try as hard as I do, I still end up here in the mist of confusion, the sinking vortex of the sea. Let me just get this out there, I know what the scriptures say, what to do, what they mean, what to follow but tell that to my flesh that always wins out. Its why I am struggling.

I make mistake after mistake and choice after choice that isn't aligned with him or I think it is only to have someone else choose to go a different path than he intended and it leaves me in the wake of it. I grow weary of being strong, picking up the pieces, getting back up on my horse, being strong, being strong, did I mention being strong? I fight the very person he created me to be, strong. It kinda pisses me off actually being so strong.

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you, nor foresake you. -Deuteronomy 31:5-6 

Lord if it is you, Peter replied, tell me to come to you on the water. Come, he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind he was afraid and beginning to sink cried out, Lord, save me! Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. You of little faith, he said why did you doubt? -Matthew 14:4

In both instances we see that Jesus isn't going anywhere, he's there in Deuteronomy and he's there in Matthew. In both cases he was talking to his people letting them know he's there.

In the mist of my struggles and how much I sink there is that tug. Because I can only waif for so long.  Look I will pull you out of the water regardless how much you try to swim by yourself and drown. I will not leave you. 

And in my disbelief that he really will, I yank myself up and create another chaos of mess. Because you see that strength he put in me? I use it for my own will thinking I got it on my own. I got in to the mess, I can fix the mess is usually my philosophy. But the reality of it all is that I can't do this alone, I am not supposed too. I often forget the plans he has for me, yet he is there through this journey. He simply knows every single thing and every single choice I will make.

And that's just it, the support is there, yet I choose to swim away from the arms of He, because I got it. Ya know, I thought I had dealt with this but I can see it will be a life long struggle of my flesh to let go and give the driver's seat to him. I hate that about myself. I yearn too, but honestly I don't, can't, won't, do it.

I am in the mist of change yet again, nd I don't know if I am coming or going. I don't even know where to go! Ugh. It is frustrating. The root? I just don't believe it. I am ashamed to admit that, after all I've been walking for 18 years you'd think I'd "get it", or "believe it" but some how in the mess of my life I simply can only see the sinking sea all around me.

Because I swam away. 

Then I feel this tug. To what I know to be true and right, and even just. It's there buried deep inside of me I can feel it. That tiny speck and glimmer of hope. Hope that I am completely wrong, have it wrong, and can't possibly remain in this vortex of raging sea forever. Can't possible keep swimming away, can I?

So, Alyssa leaves. She's off on an adventure of a life time and I am forced to take a hard look at myself. Who am I now that as a mom my role is different? What do I do with myself? How do I pick up the pieces of change? The last 18 years I've spent molding, encouraging, nagging, loving, worrying, praying, and shaping Alyssa. Here I sit, really at the end of all that because there isn't anything I can say or do that will mold her now. She's 18 and off on that adventure. But it's forced me to ask who the hell I am.  And instead of looking to Jesus as he's reaching out his hands I struggle, swim away and am left sinking. All because I chose too.

But I've flailed. I've drank a whole bunch of water. I've sunk down, I turned my back and viciously swam away, fighting every inch of the way.

Instead of looking at this like it's good change, I choose to see it as I have no purpose anymore. Its gotten me lost. I don't even know what direction to go in too. Do I stay here in Seattle and make a life? Do I move? Will I get a job that fits me? Will true friends come my way again? Will I find a church? Can I make a relationship work after so many failed ones? Which way do I go? What do I do?

The only thing I know too..  Cling. So tightly.

Because all this junk I chose to swam completely in the opposite direction. And here I am.

Yet as far away as I am, to the point where I don't even see his reach He threw me a floaty. A stinkin' pink polka dotted floaty. Uh-huh he knows me well. That tug? It was him all along, he didn't just reach out his hands he literally got in to the water and picked my poor lil ole self.  Because I can only waif for so long before there is this tug at me.. The tug inside that says, I created you this way, hey over here, stop fighting me, stop swimming away! Look I will pull you out of the water regardless how much you try to swim by yourself and drown. I will not leave you. in that pink polka dotted floaty. His word tells me this, yet disbelief. I am loosing my fight... 

We are out so far, I cannot swim any longer. The waves come crashing down as I bobble up and down over them. I am soaked. I am fearful. I am alone. I don't know where I am. Yet, he came all the way out where I fought to get too because His word tells me he won't leave me. He made it a point to literally come out to where I was because He is who He says he is. And it suddenly doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter the standards, expectations, frustations, or the lost feeling I have. Or any of the things I am confused about. I have no strength left on my own accord. It is then, he scoops me up...

And as he lovingly placed me upon the shore, I cried out, Lord who the hell am I? And he said, why Elizabeth you are mine.