Refined.

The funny thing is I was asleep, hard. Then I heard my cell phone ding and it woke me up. I wasn't going to look at who it was after all I was sleeping and it was late. Yet I laid there thinking about it and who could possibly have texted me that late at night, I finally caved. It was a co-worker wanting to know the horrid details of why I got fired.

Yes, you read that right, I did in fact get fired and technically she's now an ex-coworker to boot. It was one of the most devastating and shocking things to of happened to me to say the least, but not the most catastrophic in the bigger realm of life.  However, I've never been fired from a job and to be honest I've never been in trouble at any of the jobs I worked at either. But there the ding is, and so is the ex co-worker wanting all the deets. So it gets shoved back in to my face, yet again.

I've been dealing with this new life change since Friday right before I clocked out of work. It brought back up things I had been settling in to and dealing with and it make me sick all over again. Of course, I didn't give her anything to clamp her juicy ears on because there isn't much fruit in it. But it stirred in me all the things I had been coming to grips with, only to feel as though I took 80 steps backwards.  Where it has me up trying to reflect, learn, not beat myself up, feel like a failure, and understand the why of it all. The bottom line really is, I don't actually know. I got a "you're not a good fit for our company" statement, I signed some papers and walked numbly to my car.

The cool thing in it, if there can be any is that I didn't jump instantly to "fixing it". Folks, that's huge growth for me as I am a dust yourself get back up the horsey kinda chick and fix the wrong to right. But there wasn't much I could do at that very moment because I was too shocked to do much. I drove home in a haze and called my bestie.

 {That's the bestie Lori}

It all came to a head when I left her a message. I don't really know how I got home, I was crying pretty hard.

Then I went to a Mariner's game. What else is a girl to do? I mean come on isn't that what everyone does when they get fired from a job? It wasn't easy, lemma tell ya. The drive there and while we sat in the parking lot to catch the train was filled with tears, stupid words, and plain beating myself up. I did that pretty much the entire game, which is why I look like I do in this photo...

{That's Malcohm}

The game was awful, and that Mariners pretty much sucked, so we left early. It's now Sunday and while I thought I was doing "better" the ex coworker pulled me back in to the vortex of crapiness and yes, I allowed her too. I'd like to say bless her heart, but lemma be honest with you, she just wanted to hear the gossip and reason. I'm glad I stuck to my guns and now forced her to ask those that actually fired me if she really wants to know.

All this to say, its caused me to get out of my bed and come into my LR and read and write. I picked this book up the day prior to being fired, and I think it was a sign from the Lord...

 I know right.. Are you thinking what I am? Um, yeah... I read the first 3 pages and want to underline everything she's said because well, she was talking directly to me of course. And some where in those 3 pages I realize that I am self-loathing, beating myself up, and feeling much like a failure still..

Lemma be honest with you, I am a get-to-the-root-of-the-problem-kinda-girl and I know what's wrong. I was embarrassed, more than anything. I didn't want to tell my daughter, friends, or let any one know. Yet, being the media crazed people we are, I get on FB and ask for prayers. Which I do greatly appreciate. There is nothing like asking those people out there to have your back, when you simply need some prayers. I think we should be doing that more, but that's for another day

So.. The whole self loathing thing. The embarrassment of having been fired? Yes well there was that. But I start reading this book and I am amazed to realize that it doesn't matter what "it" is we have all been embarrassed, want to crawl in to a hole, and run away too. I also read a lot of stuff online about getting fired from a job and realize after its all said and done, it's okay. I'm gonna be okay and I'm gonna trust that Jesus knows what He's doing. He isn't surprised by this and has my back.

So I took the weekend to sort it all out, cry, talk, feel the prayers of those that reached out, and look at the ways that I need to learn some things from the job I had. Then I set about sprucing up my resume, and looking for jobs. It's such a difference in leaning upon the Lord, and trying to fix it upon my own I simply cannot do that. 

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. -John 15:16 

The book talks about letting go. Impossible standards, perfection, and unrealistic expectations. In the face of the impending week, I realize just how much the past almost 6 months have been for me and the valuable things I've gained to be able to move forward. The author goes on to say that if we do not let go, we stay stuck and I am not about to stay stuck. Because you see, I've been learning things- sometimes as much from failures or life occurrences by trial and error.

This wasn't a set back, now that I can see it for what it is.
I have a choice, and I can choose to allow this to define me or I can allow it to refine me.
Tomorrow is a new day!

e.